| it's here |
[Jan. 7th, 2008|05:25 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  crazy | ] |
phantom january depression hoooooooooooooooooray |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 27th, 2007|12:25 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  calm | ] |
| [ | music |
| | twin peaks! | ] |
presently in missouri. i'm watching twin peaks and i basically cannot stop being amazed by how great the show it. the plot is even sort of getting a tad bit tiresome...but the chaaaaaaaaaaaracters. they are each perfection....soooo much attention to detail. love love love it. also audrey horne may be the hottest girl to ever be on television. if i were agent cooper i would be all over that...he has amazing will power. sheesh.
christmas was uneventul except for 4305983405938405 step relatives. it was good to have bobby here as an ally and exchange raised eyebrows at certain comments and such. i also am really bad at wrapping presents :[
i know i like winter and i complain when it's hot and such...but does anyone else miss the amazing weather of this past summer? i kind of hope i get off the plane on sunday to a sunny warm 78 degree day although i know it will probably be like 56 and raining :[
a book made me cry for the first time in aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaages yesterday. maybe it was heightened sensitivity that this time of year seems to bring...but i think it was just very well written.
what is happening new years eve people? i want to go to a party i think. like old school college style. basically if i could attend a party at belita that would be ideal. if nothing else possibly i will bust out a bottle of gold schlagger for old-times sake.
okie hope the holidays are treating u all nicely. i will leave u with this to swoon:
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| as;lkfajs;ldk |
[Jul. 6th, 2007|07:00 pm] |
ok lots to report
firstly. i yam in oakland now. 56th and san pablo area. my house is small and dark, but has lots of potential. i'm living with my brother and another fellow who has yet to move in, but likes nature documentaries so i'm sure we will get a long woooonderously.
i have been temping at this place called alegria and totally llike it. i quit the fig, it was sad, but i was working 7 days a week for 2 weeks, and then have been moving...so basically i have not had much of a life...so sorry dudes.
i am broke. broke broke broke. i want to get down to southern california soonly...anyone care to join and split gas eeeeh? also if you know of a place to get cheap furniture letttttttt me know.
presently i yam sick sick sick and attribute it to the lack of time to rest and such. also eating very badly. this is changing...i finally went grocery shopping and can hopefully take nutritional matters back into my own hands.
we will have a house warming party as soon as everything is in order.
also....during the day at work i basically am on the internet all day. so if you have gmail lemme know we can chat...or...get gmail to talk to meeeeeee. i get quite bored at times, but i actually very much enjoy the job. i like dressing up for work and then taking my lunch hour with bryan and hanging out around all the buisness people. i kiiiiiind of feel like a real person and its sort of nice. call me boring...i enjoy the routine after constant stress and feeling of unsettledness in the past. i am happy i have a home to make what iw ant, even though i am sort of stressed out about it. i feel as if things are kiiind of coming together and its very nice. :]
hope all ya'll are doing well.
ps can someone else start watching the wire? i have no one to discuss it with. |
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| sunless tanning |
[May. 16th, 2007|01:04 pm] |
with my recent purchase of 2 white items, a dress and skirt, i decided that my normal transparent complexion would not be suitable for such garments and i purchesed a sunless tanning thing. it claimed to be gradual..so each time u only get a little bit of color and you can control exactly how "tan"(orange) you become. sounded perfect. not perfect! it is impossible to apply these things easily. i am now left with spotty streakiness...i look like i have a skin condition. grr. rather embarassing. i suppose thats what i get for going against nature. *siiiiiiigh*
i am holed up in the library trying to work on my dumb portfolio which is so effing tedious i want to diiiiiiiiie. my goal is to have it done by tomorrow and be rid of school work forever! yaaaaaaaaaay!
i am trying to justify in my head the purchase of a 350 dollar dress for graduation. i have been alotted some money from my mother which would cut down the price significantly...but it would still be paying a hefty some. it really is the cutest dress i've ever seen. i would def reware it. its not necessarily the most summery/daytime dress...but errrg. aiiii yi yi
i am also at a loss of where to take my family to eat/celebrate on graduation. i basically waited too long and now i am sort of SOL. this is the story of my life and made me depressedbecause i wonder if i will ever grow out of this bad habbit of extreme procrastination.
i am moving to berekely june 1st to live in isabel's home for a month whilst brother bobsicle and i look for a new home. i am excited to live with a family member again! yaaaaaaaaaaaaaay. it will be awesome to live with isabel too we will have fuuuu-uuuu-uuun. i have no job yet but i'm not sweatin it. rent will be cheap thru june and i still have the good ol fig to fall back on for the time being. temp agency meeting next week errrrrrrrrg. we'll see. just want to pay my billllllllllls. i figure i yam only 23. this is still a fun and whimsical time...worrying needs to not happen so much.
gluck w/finals. |
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| me myself and i |
[Apr. 29th, 2007|08:06 pm] |
i decided i need a hobby that involves hitting something, breaking something...just anything which requires a large amount of force and non-gracefulness or a whole lot of care. im thinking.....paintball, batting cages, tennis, raquet ball, martial arts.
here is a summary of events divided into positives and negatives so if my complaining (which there is a lot of here) makes u ill just skip to the awesomeness
the bad:
i am sick sick sick. everytime i get sick i think to myself "this is the most awful i have ever felt". i bought tissue with aloe and vitaman E and you know what? that shmack is a crock! my nose is reee-eeeeeeh-eeeed for reeeeeeealz. and you know what? the uncomfortableness of squirting zicam up your nose is definetley not worth it...because it is not doing an EFFING THING. and the worst part is that.....when you are sick you are supposed to drink tea...i FUCKING HATE TEA. and its not helping either. and wehre did this sickness come from? i think i possibly might have cried myself sick yesterday if that is possible. i very much think the unhealthy mental state has manifested itself physically (or maybe it was my completle lack of vegetables all weekend)...so this is the last draw basically. so no more being upset and no more being in situations where i might likely be upset...and if you are a jerk basically i am not going to deal with you.
i felt this overwhelming urge to be soooo dilligent and productive like..sooo ambitious like...by the end of this week meagan you will be half way done with your research paper, finished with your portfolio and have applied to 20 jobs. but now i just want to sleep...so i do not feel so uncomfortable and gross. and i have nothing to watch. oh my gosh i am such a complainer. i am going to continue tho. so yes i have nothing to watch really. i started season 3 of QAF and it was good. i read some preacher but it involved the whole being awake and i could not concentrate...on a COMIC book. give me a break. if i sleep now i will have a weird sleep where i wake up mulitple times in the eve and feel all weird..errrrrrrg.
also...sleep has not been the safe haven it normally is for me. i have been plagued by a multitude of nightmares. not the scary 'oh that could never happen'-supernaturalie nightmares...but the ones wehre you wake up and go "oh my gosh was i dreaming or is this real life" ones...its very very very very very bad. a;sdlkajs;dlfkajs;dlfkjasdflkas
the good:
my life dream came true and i saw jesus and mary chain this weekend in a small place and i was deeeeeead center in the verrrrrrry front. the onlything between me and mr.reid (either of them) were two large security guards with hella tattoos and no necks that were strangely fixated on their cellular phones. the show was 95% awesome. minus 5% for the shakey start and basically ruining 2 of my favorite songs (head on, never understand) and give me temporary anxiety that i had wasted money and time and effort for what seemed like laaaaaameness. but then they got it together and it was probably realisticlly the best they could be for this time. i would have liked jimmy boy to possibly not look like he just came from a starbucks in southern california....but what can u do? it was awesome. definetley worth it.
southern california was happy and good. i very much appriciate being around families. it gives hope that one day....i will not be completley self-centered and actually have a greater entity that i am a part of to contribute to and provide for.
i won some mj shoes on ebay. the ones i wanted that were flat...but these are low heel. they are patent and shiny and pretty and very old fashioned. i should not have bought them although they were a good buy. but i fiiiiiigure.....they will be good for job interviews and what gives confidence more than some shiny kicks eeeeeh?i need to return a weekend purchase and it will be about even.
i am not going to let germs keep me down and infiltrate my psyche (because being sick makes me lonely and weepy). i will win even if i have to drink gallons of tea and my nose is rubbed raw..this week willlllll be productive.
i am going to go curl up in pain now. have a good week. |
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| acting like sourmilk spilled on the floor |
[Apr. 22nd, 2007|03:25 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | bed | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  disappointed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | sweet escape-gwen | ] |
not gonna lie i sort of am in love with the new gwen stefani song...aside from the obnoxious akon howling in the background. the chorus is pop perfection.
so basically my entire life i have exterted a ridiculously gargantuan amount of effort to play off feelings, rationalize, look on the bright side, stay positive etc etc and i basically am at the end of the rope and have decided to ooooooooooooown how incredibly frustrated, irritated, and saddended i have felt over the past few weeks/possibly months. so there ya go. i yam all of those things for maneous reasons and im not appologizing for it any longer. not stoked on life right now. feeling bla.
lately i have been wondering why people even like me. searching for any redeeming qualities and not finding a ton (note:this is not a cry for "you are amazing because...." comments. don't post them i will give u an internet smack in the mouth because u will reinforce how it appears like i am making such a plea. not that any of u were thinking to do that. great now i seem like i was expecting it grrrrrrrr i can't effing win!). i think this is because i feel like i am basically miserable to be around latley and i think 'whyyyyyyy would anyone want to". not sure what to do bout this. i know at one time or another i have been fun and a joy to be around but right now is def not that time. i appogize. not for feeling bad,but for maybe not being the best to be around.
good things that are happening/have happened lately:
im going to see jesus and mary chain this thursday at the glass house. it is a dream come true. i never ever ever thought i would see such a day. i am soooooooooooooooooooo effing excited. this also means another trip to southern california. this will make it 3 times i have been there in the past year and its only APRIL. that is exciting.
kristy's bday dinner: hilarious althought i was a tad embarassed to report to work out of fear any coworkers/regulars overheard the subject matter of conversation. although nothing incriminating was said by me/about me so i am in the clear.
del shannon: obsessed. he is so dramatic and sort of perfect for me right now, because he encapsulates(is that a real word? did i spell that correctly?) the sort of teenage-esque feeling that things are the end of the world when they are really not. i think i have pinpointed how i feel. i feel like when you are 14 and upset and being a jerk to your parents when they haven't really done anything and pulling the whole "no one UNDERSTANDS MEEEEEE". ok that is not owning my feelings, that is invalidating them..shoot. anyways del shannon is amazing
anyone want to see grindhouse with me? before it gets broken up. please. i will be nice. i will buy u candy.
have a gooooooood week. |
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| .............. |
[Apr. 14th, 2007|10:12 pm] |
i am still obsessed with the p.diddy song. dl dl dl dl dl dl.
so my uncle ken passed away and i flew back to missouri for the funeral. this passing was very strange, and pretty painful. my uncle ken was basically the closest extended family i had. he came out at least twice a year to visit, every thanksgiving and then in the spring. he was there for my high school graduation, he was my confirmation sponsor, he basically was like a grandpa quite honestly. he hadn't been doing well at all the past few years, major denial about health/alcohol problems etc...which made it all the worse to see someone incredibly bright and funny sort of slip away. he always said him and i got along the best, ever since i was a baby. i would cry whenever anyone else held me but i sat on his lap and i just laughed and calmed down with him. i miss miss miss him, although i feel he has been gone for sort of a while.
the funeral was really weird. my aunt that we don't talk to was there. it was really painful to see her too. with my dad gone and now my uncle ken i don't have much family, or even family knowledge from my dad's side. it makes me incredibly sad. my cousin, who is my aunt that we don't talk to's daughter( who we also don't really talk to), made some copies of photos of my grandma and grandpa ruyle from back in the day, which was really cool of her, i didn't even know what they looked like. i don't know i suppose it is just sad to me that i don't know that part of where i come from at all, and the number of people that can tell me is dwindling. its not like i walk around feeling like a big gaping hole is there, its more just when its there right in my face. i think i just see like pictures of my grandparents on their wedding day and they seemed happy and then to know that it turned out the way it did with all of their children...it just sort of breaks my heart i dunno. its like evidence of how things and life get] fucked up. one of the last thing my aunt said to my dad was "you're dead to me". i dunno.
i think i just have been feeling sort of isolated lately. i feel very estranged from friends, and my family and such is small as well. its enough to make a girl feel prettttttty lonely.
but anyways.....
it happend that spring break was the next week so i got to stay a few extra days and see my mom who i love love love love love. my uncle was in the hospital for the last month or so, its about 20 minutes away from where she lived. and she went everyday, twice a day to visit him and took such good care of him, even before. she's not even related. everyone was coming up to her at teh funeral thanking her. it just made me proud and i dunno. i really miss my mom...she's basically incredibly awesome at life. i don't know how she produced a daughter so not awesome at life.
i also spend time with bobby and natalie my little step sister who is so cute. i played the wii a lot and i really want one. i also hung out with the dogs who i wanted to kidnap and take home with me. i love those dogs so much.
i followed up funeral with the best possibly way to change moods...disneyland. which i have not been to since gradnight. disneyland is really exciting...very magical. thundermountain is the best when you are in the very back. i'm not very good at the buzz lightyear ride. i met up with bryan in southern california and stayed at his very very very happy household. it is also fun to go to disneyland with a 7 year old, because really...who can appriciate disneyland more than a 7 year old? i really love visiting southern california. on the way up we stopped in to to just drive through and i got very nostalgic and very excited. i very much wished i could have stopped at my old house to show bryan and walked in it just as it was, with all the people there; my mom sitting on the couch reading and my dad watching some sports game and spanky barking to the heavens. i hadn't missed my old life there that much in a really really really really really long time. but i guess its the good kind of missing where all you can do is think of how lovely everything was and makes you just appriciate it that much more.
i think i have had my fill of things not being the best and im ready for things to be magical and exciting again and i am going to try really hard to let/make that happen.
i probably miss you, you should probably gimme a ring or at least a myspace message :/ |
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| cruel to be kind means that i love you |
[Mar. 25th, 2007|10:06 pm] |
not even joking u the biggest fly of the world is flying in my room right now. naturally i am not scared since it is not furry and wingy and musculie...mmmm maybe a little musculie. i think its going to kill itself. because it keeps going under my lampshade...which is hella hot. i actually just checked it out moved the lamp shade around and no fly. i think it just sizzled itself. :[ i now probably have decomposing fly matter to deal with aaaaaaaaawesome.
i definetley have a big midterm and paper to work on that i did not touch since the week because i'm reeeeeeally cool. i will be up all night but its kewl. i am going to tackle this thing to the ground grrrrrrrrrr.
speaking of weekend.. cry's party very fun except for the fact that i reverted into teenage imaginary audience deal and imagined that i was the laughing stock of the entire club. oh wait...yes i actually was the laughing stock in real life because i had on a hideous 80's dress...with a very large white collar thing that was made NEON GLOW IN THE DARK with the club lights...while my cohorts, although 80s-ed out as well were a little more blendable i think. anyways i really looked like a clown and it was fun. it was good to see TO people as well.
oh yes did i mention there were strippers as this place? it wasn't a strip club. but they just have male strippers nightly. i couldn't believe my eyes at many points through out this display. blatant sexual acts simulated in very realistic manners and the highlight when one malo girl, while laying on the floor straddled by a man in booty shorts, just graaaaaaaaaaabbs a handful of junk...and then...just gaaaaaaaaaave it a good shake. shake shake shake. i thought there were no touching rules in stripping? anyways i was very amused and happy for the brides to be (as most of the volunteers were) that they got their last bit of excitement via dancers that looked like they should be at babylon. go girls.
eeeeeeeh the fly is back. i'm scared that the lamp is just oging to make it mutate and become something worse. visions of the host runnnnnnnnnn thru my head. which was a really good movie btw.
oh yes yes. the vivienne westwood exhibit at the de young is pretty incredible. i don't fancy myself an artist or even a person super interested in fashion these days, but it was very very amazing to look at and i think could be appriciated by many of you. i went with wray and it was good to hang out and split a malt and talk about life and such. good good day.
ps i just killed that fly. its now dead as a doornail on my floor. :/ mercy killing.
errrrrrrrrg i just want to curl up and sleeeeeeeeep. i am bewildered march is almost done. its sticky and humid in my room right now. i am generally uncomfortable and sort of feel like throwing up :/ but i'm happy depsite some small grievances.
i have nothing left to procrastinate. have a good week. |
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| <3<3<3 |
[Mar. 17th, 2007|11:59 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | GE | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | accomplished | ] |
| [ | music |
| | 'poor little fool' ricky nelson | ] |
gooooodness gracious
i have not felt so tired in a long time! sort of a good feeling when you know sleep is oging to be sooo-ooooo-oooooo good. i yam so tired por que
i drank a ridiculous amount of champagne (sp?) last eve with isabel. i think bottles of andre at 711 might be cheaper than 40s. just sayin. anyways mimosas sounded good. hangover city.
had to catch an early car ride to get my little truckie
worked a double.
but im in good spirits.
work has been really good lately. i feel comfortable with it once more and i feell like the love of my life and i are on good terms once more which is suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuch a relief. such a relief. i still like him best when he is cooking. but its good when he tries to not seem old and talk about things and when he jokes and makes fun. and he has not been wearing a hat. its good.
also people are just super happy. people give u wine and are happy to be eating and give you highfives in the form of generous gratuity. its the weather. it makes one feel a tad magical and atmosphere brings back many joyous memories, although makes me miss my coworkers of yesteryear such as cheryl, diana, and bryan.
also tonite at work the dm look alike came it. hella cute dude. his gif is pretty but seems so prissy and waspy and them together sort of make me want to throw up because they look like this ridiculous aryan race couple and its weird. look like bros and sisses. and i think she prolly dresses him. to like not match but look complimentary to one another. im not into it. like today he had on cute sneaks, but i feel like she forced him to then put on this blazer...sort of douchie...but anyways...i had to wait on them and it took a fair amount of concentration to not get all flustered and i feel i did turn a few shades of red and my heart sort of went a flutter. all im saying that in a resturaunt full of 40s and over its rare to encounter attractive young men and even more rare is to encounter ones that bare an almost eerie resemblence to a large infatuation of the past.
went to the be ach on mondie with isabel it was gooooood. attempted again tuesday but did not get over all the way but explored the western county a little bit. i like the western area i feel like there are many hidden treasures. anyways beach people? gimme a ring.
i'm going to watch beauty shop now starring queen latifah yay!!!
edit:beautyshop is my new favoritve movie! |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 7th, 2007|12:53 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | barking dog | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | happy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | bark bark | ] |
the new beyonce video is SUCH a disapointment. "upgrade u" is one of my favorite songs on b-day and i am so not happy bout the video uuuuuuuuuugh. her beastly braid seriously freaks me out. she looks like a freak of nature. the whole large diamond in the mouth thing, although cool, i feel like its been done. and i don't really buy it when beyonce does it. like i believed kelis had diamonds in her grillllll....but beyonce...uh uh. . doesn't work.
i know i promised i would refrain from complaining buuuuut......
i am really irritated the the culminating project of my college career is shaping up to be just a bunch of fucking busywork! it is a test on how well i saved all of my syllabi and how well i organized and saved my college work. on the one hand i am happy because doing a whole big thesis would be a pain in the ass. and having an organized portfolio etc i guess is good to show whoever i would need to show stuff to. i mean its not uuuuuuuseless, but it certainly doesn't feel like it has the importance that a big huge end of your undergraduate studies project should have. but eh..what can ya do. i just started it today and am only one my first class thing and i'm pretty irritated.
i am in boyes hot springs and it smells like churros...i really want a churro.
i am recovering from a tummy ache that happened when we bbqed on monday. it was the most beautiful of days, i spent it on the trampoline reading with lisa. then the boyz journied over the hill and we bought sausages and such. the weather has been goooooorgeous and makes me slightly excited for spring.
speaking of spring. camping??? at the beach in southern california. this is what i have been asking for. seriously. go back a little while i wrote in teh summer how i wanted to go camping. lets do it. im serious. i will catch us fish it will be aaaawesome. i want it to be HOT HOT HOT. i have never been camping people. come witness it...if only for your own amusment.
robot party was fuuuuuuun. i had a blast dancing. great until i got kicked in the head at the end...but other than that it was fuuuuuun. i liked having an exucse to wear silver eyeshadow and a sparklie mini dress yaaaaaaaaaaay.
my hiphop teacher has a class on sunday afternoons for 10 dollars if anyone wants to go w/me. we can be diva bitches together it will be aaaawesome.
enjoy the sun before april showerssssssss. |
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| lo siento |
[Feb. 21st, 2007|10:49 pm] |
i very much appologize for how much of an effing complainer i am and i vow from here on out to stop making el jay a big list of grievances. thank you and goodnight.
ps.
i want this
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| alala aalala |
[Feb. 20th, 2007|09:49 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | mothland | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  anxious | ] |
| [ | music |
| | alala css | ] |
there is this song by this band/group called CSS and where the girl goes "ALALA ALALA" and it really really reminds me of how katie and wray and i used to go 'aaaaalalalalalalalala' all the time and i think its 75% of the reason why i enjoy the song so much.
how do you distinguish if you are legitamately bothered by something and concerned or if you are just bored and therefore making shmack up. i don't think i am making shmack up out of thin air, but im wondering if i would be feeling soooo...angsty/confused/perturbed about shtuff if i wasn't kind of on the bored side of life. a bored female i think is a daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaangerous thing.
my room is SO messy. it pains me to sit here with piles aaaaaaaaaall around me but i cannot bring myself to begin cleaning because it is in the 'so messy you don't know where to start' place. uuuuuugh.
i have been at my house one night total in a week. this has agitated my current status of feeling a little off. not that i did not have fun in my various mini adventures. i think why i am feeling off is i have no set routine. when you work and are in school and just generally busy you have a schedule. its great. and then free time you have does not make you feel helpless. you feel like you have earned it. i have free time and can do nothing but freak out about it. nay, i can do something, i just have not. job/volunteer/time-filler hunt begins tomorrow morn. seeeeeriously.
i also have been sleeping late. not good. in the beginning of the year i was very very happy and content for various reasons, but i feel a main one being i had the best sleep schedule. went to bed early at like midnight at the latest and got up early atl ike 8, 9ish at the latest. it was the best. definetley not the case now! aaaaaah! i need discipline! how do u teach an old meagan new tricks huuuuuh?
i'm listening to ksun right now (waiting for tyler and paul where the eff are u people) and its the cd changer and i am hopes to hear something that is exciting and makes me excited about new music. i used to be sooooo excited to hear new bands and go to shooooooows and now the thought of going to a show makes me tired and bored just thinking about it. except pipettes. but even then i would just spend the whole time being jealous of them. what haaaaappened.
i also realized that there is a general lack of dancing this year. this, i think, is because paul does not live across from me and i cannot call him over at any given time. but even at parties. no dancing peeps. also drinking does not have a fun effect anymore it just makes me tired. drinking at a party now just means i will fall asleep early. laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaame. all i want to do recently is be slightly intoxicated and dance the niiiiiiight away.
i also am the biggest complainer eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeever ooooooh my god.
speaking of dancing, hiphop class is sooooo good. very very very challenging. not that i am pro, but i don't know how the girls who have never taken dance before are keeping up. some of it stresses me out and i've got some background. anyways its good and the teacher says things like 'lets walk bitches!" and i have been called a diva bitch mulitple times...its good.
my mom bought my steppie a wii and i am ridiculously jealous. i feel like if i had wii i could lure some folk over the hill. i have a good ol' fashioned trampoline...takers??
also over the hill there is a moth city by the door. it makes me not want to come home after dark because they swarm to the light. im not even joking you about 30 moths. not tiny moths that turn to dust, but not muscle-ie buff moths either. jus the normal ones that inspire fear and nauseau ...colonizing the screen door. but if the light is left off its rather terrifying trek up the stairs. what do u do. and then i feel like the moths are still there but just in the dark. i always am scared that one will attach itself to me and then come inside and lay eggs and then start a moth colony in my house, or worse yet my room. there is a humongoid thing of lavender in the basement by the dryer. i feel like it is infested. one of the worst moth experiences i had involved a corn necklace. i bought the corn necklace in alberquerque from a native american shop when i was like 7 and we drove cross country. it stayed in this jewelry box in my closet and then when i was like like 15 and cleaned out my closet i found it....but it was no longer corn it was just a nest of MOOOOOOOOOOOOTHS it was HORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRIFYING. that is what i envision happening to this lavender downstairs and then i have to go down there and dry my effing clothes uuuuuugh.
finally bought me some millie small. bessssssst thing ever. soooooooooo good. it is like cupcakes in musical form. then i google image searched her and there was a topless photo of her, it was really weird. i feel like all cute 60's girls turned into major disco/funk sluts in the 70s. i really have no proof of this but it just seems like what would happen. speaking of funk sluts...presently betty davis is the most exciting crazy shmack i have heard. ain't nothin but a she thaaaaang boys!
i swear she is like 7 feet tall.
i am amazing. probably the most mundane time of my life i have managed to write the longest entries. AAAAAAAMAZING. |
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| it was exciting as thunder tonite i wonder where u are |
[Feb. 11th, 2007|01:08 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | looooonely town | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "rhapsody in the rain" lou christie | ] |
so. all graduating stuff is basically done. it is very relieving to know school is over for as long as i want it to be come may. i dont know why any of you graduates have not explained how lovely the feeling is. i am also happy because, being the coward i am, i now have a few more months to avoid moving and finding a real job. i basically am taking dance and a random class and working on portfolio. i have a lot of time on my hands. this feeling sort of made me go crazy at first. its almost unsettling. because i am not fully supporting myself, i have this guilt when i am idle, neither schooling or working. now i feel this pressure to do things like read more, jiggsaw more, cook more etc. just doooooo something.
i still really want to move. glen ellen is nice and all but seriously...totally inconvienent. i was very much missing living with people i am good friends with recently. i had a good 3 years of living with close friends and it was great. i miss coming home and having your friends around. i used to look forward to coming home and seeing wray or kristy or katie...it was comfortable. it would be nice to have that again. or at least be in close proximity to such things.
why is it so expensive to get a peice of electronic equipment that plays a virutually dead form of audio? and also...why is it the only full set of things they sell...with a turntable and a tuner thing and speaker..for a decent price have to look very silly and cheesey and old timie. its getting on my nerves aaaaaaaaaaand i just want to play my heart record i paid 99 cents for on something affordable and not ridiculous looking.
after being disapointed numerous times with shortbread i have bought i finally made some myself today and it is soooo good. oh my god my life is SO boring. i need out of glen ellen pronto. i just clicked on craigslist and saw 450 room for rent thinking it was san francisco and then i saw it was in GLEN ELLEN. MY EFFING MISTAKE.
yes see i feel i have been going nutzoid a little bit lately...very sensitive...very paranoid...very lonely/defeated feeling...but then i realized 'no meagan....you are just effing bored'. bored because no one is effing around and i don't have much to do. i will hopefully fix the lack of things to do now that i have a set school schedule and no when availability is.
also, i have been bored with unobtainable crushes lately. nooooooooooooo swooning happening.
also valentine's day? i'm disapointed with the lack of red things i have to wear.
this was an optomistic opening and now i am generally disastisfied. i think i am very disatisfied with my relationships with people lately. some just down to i never see them because of schedule differences, some lack of communication, some i don't even know.
i am going to finish barbarians and then think long and hard about ways to achieve life satisfaction. ideas?
lou christie is sooooooo gooood. the tammys! his backing girls!
new love. detective jimmy mcnulty. good police. |
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| how does meagan get her groove back? |
[Jan. 30th, 2007|11:15 pm] |
trying to find employment. needing to move greatly. not having a ton of luck. granted i have not started a fulllllllll search. i am easily discouraged, what can i say. fear of rejection/failure...follows me into many areas including employment i suppose. i know once i am i hired i would do a wonderful job at whatever thing i am doing...its not that i feel i cannot do well at jobs...its just this feeling like no one would want to hire me. it sucks. reminds me back when i used to actually be interested in boys that were not justin timberlake or married chefs or sherrifs of deadwood, and i would neeeeever even talk to them...wherrrrrrre does such discouragment come from??? aieeeeeee.
i see jobs posted and just am like 'ugh bla bla' and make an excuse to not apply. laaaaaaameart. i feel the internet is not the best way to get a job...yet how do you get one otherwise really? you can't just go into a corporation or random office and be like 'hey sup, u hiring?" realword doesn't work that way unfortunatley i dont think. i could be wrong. also can i just say that offices need to get off their high horses thinking that they reeeeeeeeeeeally need someone with a degree AND 5 fucking years of experience ie. 5 fucking years of photocopying/filing/and other simple- sooooo -easy-a-15- year- olds- could- do -it( i know because i was one)kind of tasks. give me a break.
anyways. i have been feeling rather dull lately and i haven't really been able to carry on conversations with anyone for more than a few minutes. basically because i have nothing going on. no classes being taken and i feel i am rarely around friends anymore. i feel i am miiiiiiiiiles away in different senses from maneous people. the awful feeling i previously mentioned filters into friendships and interactions where i then think 'ugh i am boring i've got nothin why are people friends with me lalalalalala' ooooooooooooh a slipperly slope!
basically i just feel stuck in a sticky puddle of BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORING BOOOOOOORING which i feel will be alliviated when i find a job and have a new set of characters introduced to talk about and uncomfortable situations with people to look forward to. i need my gaaaaaame back..i want it!
in other news: justin timerblake live was the most amazing experience EVER. pans labryinth brought tears and nightmares..sooo good. i dreamt i was involved in a drug ring with characters from the wire. the life of mamals is amazing and should be watched by all. top chef finale tomorrow night if ilan loses i will cry. HAPPY EARLY BIRTHDAY PAUL LOUIS AND JT
ps. culinary institute in napa has a restaurant. who wants to go with me? no boys allowed. |
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| fuck this noise |
[Dec. 11th, 2006|12:36 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  aggravated | ] |
i am in a bad effing mood. it started out i was physically irritated today. lights got bright, voices got loud and i got hot. then i got sad. then i got semi depressed. and now i am just incredibly restless and irritated and it is annoying. i have no plans of sleeping this eve, unless i just get frustrated with homework, but i haven't really started doing that yet so yes, no plans. ugh. it is times like this i miss living on campus and having a bounty of friends basically at my doorstep. i can't even get anyone to have a conversation ONLINE with me its pathetic. peeeeeeeeeeople...all i want right now. a;sldkjfas;ldkjgaslgkjasldkjfasldkfjas;ldkjffawlke
i dont even know what to write now. i type some shmack and then erase. all i do is repeat myself its so boring christ.
i suppose just listen to radio tomorrow eve. www.sonoma.edu/ksun it would be loooooooooooooovely of you to do so.
thats it. ugh. |
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| little miss queen of darkness, dancing on and on |
[Nov. 29th, 2006|01:33 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | personal hell | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | uuuuugha;slkdjf;slkd | ] |
| [ | music |
| | 'little miss queen of darkness' kinks | ] |
good golly i yam at a loss
i have no clue what i am doing after the nexxt 3 weeks and i have become immune to the anxiety this has caused
i dont even know if i have had legitamate fun in the past few months, or if things were just a distraction, so in comparison to the norm (which is now stress, fear etc etc) it was fun and great, but maybe not really.
i also wish i could for about 4 seconds stop thinking bout things of this nature, stop contemplating the nature of people and relationships and focus on important things such as what my plan is. how self indulgent am i geezus its gross.
i want some fun and light heartedness. i think i need to cut out some complications. i want to bake cupcakes.
<3<33<333 |
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| i'm in missouri, got some time on my hands, its long..deeeeal <3 |
[Nov. 24th, 2006|01:00 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | missssssouri | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | thankful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | 'hoes in here' federation (its an actual jam-non ironic way) | ] |
don't mess with the ruyle kidz at trivia games. we will dominate and make u mad in the process.
tivo never gets old. ever. its amazing. i come home and there is a million shows/movies waiting for me.
the inevitable disclosure about my graduation status was revealed to my mother yesterday. no subsequent conversation concerning such matters has occurred, but i know that it is waaaaaiting for me. but the information is out there...in the open...and i feel better and have a weird feeling of 'things will work out meagan so don't work yourself up into a panic', which is nice. i slept about 11 hours straight last night so that is good, considering i have not slept a whole night through in about 3 weeks. and i attribute it to the fact that stress level concerning this revelation has decreased. i dont even know if its the actual fact of having to pay for a semester by myself, find a job, support myself lalalalalala is what is scary, but i think more just the fact i was scared to tell my mom. i suppose there are way worse things i could inform my mother of though, and so if this is the worst of it then i suppose things are going oooooookay.
today the house was filled with about 25 people. it was ridiculously overwhelming. i cannot get over the differences between my brother and i and our stepfamily counterparts. i don't get it. i get carried away when i think about what i would be like if i was raised in the suburbs of st.louis. i wonder if i would be the person responsible for decorating a room with tupac posters, soccer memorbilia, and clippings from teen magazines (this is what the room i am staying in now looks like). the differences aren't necessarily bad, but it is just funny and contributes to my fascination with how people come to be the way they are. but then i wonder if the differences are even that much. i mean say i was not exposed to what i was exposed to at a relatively early age...that is exposed to this like 'alternative' facet of pop culture and possibly ideas/politics etc....say i dind't have this knowldege that there is more out there than what is immidiately shown to me etc etc...or say i just didn't even really have the interest or desire to see anything beyond that....it is completley possible my step sisters and i would be like 2 peas in a pod. because lets be honest here, although we all say, and act etc etc like we are just being who we are lalalalala....i would wager a large amount of money that in the back of our heads we are like this, at least partially (even if it is a very very very small amount) like this, because we now have this certain like expectation for ourselves to be a little different, like a little different stuff, think a little bit outside the box. but they don't have that little nagging voice saying 'oh my gosh bla bla is lame you aren't supposed to like it and admit it with no sense of irony'. and that is amazing to me...they don't have it...its sort of like they are untainted in a way...it is fascinating. i would looooooooooooove to embrace that....love it love it love it.
so my elderly uncle ken is not doing well at all. family drama lalalala. but healthwise...not a-ok. he probably should be in assisted living. he has always been single, lived alone and independtly his whole life. and now his independence is sort of being a hinderance...because when it is best to give up a part of it...he can't bring himself to do it and he and his familly/friends, and his relationships with his family and friends are suffering as a consequence. this has makes me think that at certain points in life parts of independence have to be cut loose for various reasons and its not necessarily bad. i suppose it is almost inevitable, and i should possibly try to accept this fact, and accept people/connections/relationships/help etc with grace and not fight it. i need to work out the logistics of these sacrifices, a new pickle in life to ponder.
i think i have a good life. peeps are what make it lovely.. i have been a jerk and people still love me, and people have been jerks to me and i have kept the ability to forgive and maintain some sense of optomism (for better or worse). we are all a resilient bunch. i yam thankful and full of <3333333s tonite. |
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| :] |
[Oct. 19th, 2006|08:00 pm] |
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sh shake it off |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 27th, 2006|09:22 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | stressed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | beyonce 'ring the alarm' | ] |
okie.
there is still no internet at my house. trying to work on that.
there is so much shmack to do lately it is getting the best of me. i just want to go to sleep for about 4 days. and have nothing to do. i miss the obligationless summer days.
i have a 2000 piece jigsaw puzzle waiting at home for me. it is so cool and is going to be sooooo hard. it is of an old map of the world, everything in latin. it is super detailed. i cannot wait to get my hands dirty with it! maybe i shall frame it when i yam finished.
also does anyone know how to play chess? i am trying to become a chess pro. but i don't know many that play. looking for chess partners. paaaatient chess partners as i still am learning the ins and outs...and will probably loose in about 7 moves. but practice makes perfect eeeeh??
little mermaid comes out on dvd next tuesday...tooootally buying it.
sonic youth on sundieeeeeeeeee!
so what is everyone doing with their life after school??? how does one obtain a job and support themselves? all of these things seem unfathomable to me, quite impossible, yet it is upon me in a few short months. what to do? many go back to their homes and save money. st.louis doesnt seem that bad lately. but it always seems like that and then i aaaaaaactually remember what it is like living in missouri and going stir crazy after about 2 weeks and that too is impossible seeming. ugh.
i realize there are 2 sorts of people. there are compensators and there are avoiders. when some people mess up or feel bad about something they have done or whatevs they compensate. they act extremely nice and happy and fun in order to compensate...possibly in hopes that the person will forget what has happened. then there are avoiders who maybe are jerks but then instead of compensating ( or even talking) they just avoid because they are scared of the reprocussions of what they have said or done. i think i am definetley an avoider. not saying one is better than the other, they are both equally annoying.
someone should watch hedwig with me soonly :]
what are people being for halloween. captain hook costume will send me to the poorhouse. coat was 80 dollars!!!!! and it wasn't even that cool! so i am trying to think of another less expensive idea. suggestions? |
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| leeeets coooomence |
[Sep. 4th, 2006|01:22 pm] |
RADIO
WWW.SONOMA.EDU/KSUN
10PM-12AM
TONIGHT! AND EVERY MONDAY.
I LIVE IN GLEN ELLEN COME HANG OUT PEEPS...TIS REALLY NOT AS FAR AS U THINK <333333 |
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mmagnum00's journal